Releasing the Notes

Coldplay had a big moment in the sun when Viva La Vida came out, and the title track was a runaway hit. They had been popular before, with songs like Yellow and The Scientist, but it seemed like there was no escaping Viva La Vida. I, personally, loved the song and was happy to listen to it every time it came on.

Their next albums didn’t resonate with me as much, except their single Fix You. Something about the simple melody and a less-is-more approach to the instruments struck me. I loved that it was about mental health and that it was a supportive song from the view of a caretaker.

It hasn’t held up as much.

They do a great job at giving language to the feelings of hopelessness that come with depression. They have the right spirit in wanting to be supportive, and it is very well meant.

However, in my personal experience, I’m tired of people trying to fix me.

When I am really struggling, like I have been recently, and I am open about it, I am not looking for suggestions. Over the years, I have heard a lot of them, both from places of love and of accusation. I have talked with people who think if they would just “try a little harder” that the problem would go away, and from people who feel like they just want the best for their friend/partner and are grasping at anything that might help.

Here is my take on it.

If somebody has come to you and has been vulnerable enough to let you know they are struggling, these are the comments that don’t help in that moment:

– “Have you been taking your medicine?”

– “Have you thought about losing some weight?”

– “Have you gotten out of bed at all today?”

– “You should go outside and get some sun.”

– “Have you tried eating better?”

– “You should try exercising.”

I think these are just more nuanced versions of “Have you tried just not being sad?” They are the second-wave of the ‘just get over it’ mentality. That is really problematic, because each of these statements has an underlying belief:

It is your fault.

Each of them hints at a solution, but are heavily laced with blame. They each carry the same idea- you are not doing enough.

Living with depression is grueling. There have been lifelong pressures to keep it to ourselves, to not burden other people, to suck it up. I am trying to function as a normal person while also internally dealing with hopelessness, an exaggerated sense of guilt and shame, a lack of motivation, and even suicidality, and it is a lot.

And that is not a bid for sympathy, rather, it is just an attempt to explain why I always seem exhausted.

And then, to be told something that translates to “you’re not trying hard enough” from somebody trying to help feels like a low blow.

I am already feeling worthless, like the only value I have is what I do and not in who I am. I already have pressure to bring in value from outside myself because I see nothing worthy of love from within. And the idea that I am not trying hard enough, that the effort I am putting in isn’t valued because I am not perky at the end of the day, is honestly devastating.

So, what should someone say instead?

I’m glad you asked.

Try something that brings you in as a support figure:

• “Want to watch a movie with me?” Just sit with them in their depression, let them be a part of something that doesn’t require anything of them.
• “I’m going for a quick walk/drive, want to come with me?” Much easier to hear than telling me to try going outside, because it is packaged in spending quality time with somebody; it is accompanied by a notion that you want them to be with you.
• “Let’s get something to eat.” Get some healthy food together, share a meal that makes you feel good.
• “Want to play a fame with me?” Whether it is a card game or a video game, just show that you are interested in spending time with them. Loneliness is brutal, and just knowing somebody wants you around is a big thing.
• Nothing. Bring them a glass of water and set it next to them. Give them a hug and then let them decompress on their own.

The truth of it is that people have been trying to fix us our whole lives. In times when we are seeking out help or advice, you could broach those subjects, but not in the midst of a depressive episode.

Because in the low moments we are really just craving love and hope and just to be valued for who we are.

I just want to be enough once in a while. And not for anything other than being me.

Sometimes I don’t need you to play therapist.

I don’t need a checklist of things that will cure me, because, trust me, I have tried.

I don’t need you to fix me.

I just need you to want me around, particularly when I’m not even sure I want me around.

Check in on me.

Just chat.

See me.

Let me know that it is ok

Just

To

Exist.