Releasing the Notes

When I think of a band that is unique in their lyricism, Motion City Soundtrack is always a first thought. The thought process of their lyrics is beautiful and poetic and focuses on mundane aspects of life. A perfect example of that is this line from a song about finding the perfect person for you:

“Do you spend a fortune on those late-night phone-in television scams/ in search of the perfect blend of steak knife and non-stick frying pan?”

I went to a show of theirs years back, and they are one of the bands that sound amazing live, Justin Pierre’s voice has the exact same sound live as they do on records. They had such a great energy, perfectly quirky in their own way, and it was the most memorable set of the show.

My favorite song from that show, and one I heavily related with prior to then, is packed with lines that give me the chills for the way they describe the most overlooked aspects of life (I skipped the 14 seconds of radio feedback at the beginning of the video, I didn’t feel the need to create the unsettled feeling they wanted you to have going into the video):

Some of those lines were delicious:

“Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes,
Talking with strangers, waiting in line..
I’m through with these pills that make me sit still.
“Are you feeling fine?”
Yes, I feel just fine.”

OR

“I’m sick of the things I do when I’m nervous
Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires
Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling..
Head for the hills, the kitchen’s on fire!”

OR

“I used to rely on self-medication,
I guess I still do that from time to time.
But I’m getting better at fighting the future,
“Someday you’ll be fine..”
Yes, I’ll be just fine.”

Man, it just feels like he crawled into the space between the folds in the gray matter of my brain and pulled out the most boring things, but described them in an interesting way. Before seeking help, I would go through cycles where I would listen to this song on repeat. The things he describes in the verses describe parts of my ADHD-responses extremely well.

The one I have been feeling a lot lately is that second set of lyrics, where he describes doing mundane things when he is nervous until the kitchen lights on fire. When I have something that is looming and near that I am not prepared to address, I procrastinate by doing things to distract me until the thing that I had a lot of time to prepare for becomes an emergency and I have to face it head on.

In college I generally wrote essays the night they were due. It didn’t help that I have always been good at writing essays, so there was never any real punishment for my procrastination, other than having to write a 16-page essay in a matter of hours. However, when I finished that essay, there was a dopamine hit that could last me for days.

I now see that this habit was an issue with executive dysfunction. That is one of the most misunderstood aspects of ADHD, and why it is different than just being a rowdy kid or seeking attention.

I was in a group of guys not too long ago when one of the older men made a comment about “Back in my day, we didn’t have all these alphabet disorders.” He then talked about self-discipline and kids-these-days and other things I have heard all my life.

The thing is, it is not about self-discipline. Executive dysfunction is just as frustrating to the people experiencing it personally as it is to those on the outside. It isn’t just a personality trait, it isn’t laziness, it is an actual disorder of the brain.

Executive dysfunction is kind of tricky to explain. It is like knowing I need to do something, wanting to do that thing, but not being able to do that thing. This can be anything, from eating to registering your car to filing a report at work.

Sometimes it looks like being ready to do a task until someone asks you to do that task. There is a dopamine behind doing something without being asked, a feeling of being responsible and completing something self-motivated, and that is lost when it becomes a response to a prompt from someone else. I can be in my garage, have the supplies out to do a project, and in the zone to complete it, but if I am then asked to do that project, I will get up and walk away from it all.

I still want to do the project, I want to do the thing, but when the dopamine is removed from the equation, it becomes nearly impossible to do.

If you look at this infographic from the Cleveland Clinic about executive dysfunction, it helps understand the symptoms. This is what it looks like to others:

These all look familiar to just about everybody. I think that is why ADHD can be misdiagnosed as often as it is, because the symptoms are common, and the people who have had the dysfunction for long enough have developed masking techniques to deal with it.

I want to talk more about masking later, but as a quick overview, it is habits that someone has adapted to fit in with neurotypical people, but are uncomfortable for the person doing it. One way that I mask is a refusal to interrupt others. I will often have things I want to say in a conversation, but have been told how rude it is to interrupt often enough to have a mental rule about interrupting, so by the time I talk in a conversation the topic has moved on and I am either disrupting the flow of conversation or just not saying a lot of what I am thinking.

That is part of why I am so frustrated anytime I am interrupted, and if it happens more than a couple times I just quit talking altogether. If I am going through the pain of wearing this mask, and others aren’t giving me the same courtesy, it makes me really upset.

But more on that at another time.

Trying to understand my ADHD is a relatively new thing for me. My diagnosis is still pretty new, and there is a lot I am still figuring out. If you are looking to learn more, like I am, this book is a good starting point:

If you make a purchase from the link above, I receive a small commission as an Amazon Affiliate.

There are things I agree with and things I don’t in the book, but it has some good information and things to think about along the journey to understand ADHD.

At the Motion City Soundtrack concert I attended, when Pierre sang the line “I used to rely on self-medication/ I guess I still do that from time to time” he was shaking his head no and motioning with his hands to say that he is really not self-medicating anymore. That moment really stood out to me, the moment where his personal growth had helped him move past that point in his life. I was oddly proud of him. And then his coupling that line with “I’m getting better at fighting the future” fit perfectly into that moment.

I wanted to spend a night recording music, and bought a lot of Mountain Dew to keep me going through the night. It was a really good night, but not because the caffeine was keeping me awake. I look back and see that I was able to focus, able to move from task to task easily without getting stuck. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was using caffeine to self-medicate for the ADHD, and it worked wonders.

The risk to self-medicating is that there is little control over dosages and frequency of use. I have hit periods in my life where I was caffeinating myself so heavily that I would go through heavy withdrawals if I missed a day. I was definitely addicted to it at different times in my life (my wife would say I am always addicted to soda, something she often tries to get me to move away from). It is much safer and more recommended to get help in medicating, whether you are doing the synthetic drug approach (see a doctor) or a more natural approach (still see a doctor).

But as I learn about myself and the ways I interact with my ADHD, I really am getting better at fighting the future.

I am fighting for impulse control.

I am fighting against my masks.

I am fighting to understand myself.

I am fighting for happiness.

I am fighting to just be myself.

I am fighting.