Releasing the Notes

A few nights ago I was hanging out with a group of friends, and we were talking about life and music and people who work in HR and whatnot, and my buddy Jake told me about this guy in the HR department where he works that is a musician. He pulled up a video, and this beautiful crooning voice spilled out of the speakers.

I have spent some time listening to him since then, and he has such a consistent voice and sound, it is really a fun new listen for me. I noticed, though, that his last video was three years ago. I was thinking about that for a little bit, about how he has been putting in work for a long time, and I am finding out about him so much later.

Not that my learning about him has much to do with his success as an artist, since all of his songs have hundreds of thousands of views and he has performed at large venues with big artists. I am positive that he had to put in a lot of work to get to that point though, it wasn’t just handed to him.

And I thought about that same concept with an author I saw at an event yesterday, where she talked about the years of work she put into writing before she became a successful author. I know it is a common story, putting in time doing the work and slowly building up successes over time.

Jennifer Nielsen writes historical fiction books for younger audiences. I used to use one of her books as a read-aloud in my class, a book about a family who was separated by the Berlin Wall, and a daughter who had to figure out how to reunite with her father and brother. This book:

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I would read this story, which is beautifully written, and then let the kids know about some of her other books. A second favorite from all of my students was the one about a girl who lives in Lithuania during the 1800s when the Russian occupation banned Lithuanian books and music, and she becomes a book smuggler to try and save her parents from their imprisonment.

Seeing these books often in the hands of young readers never told the whole story, which is an obvious statement, but not one that is recognized as easily.

When I first heard about the author visit, I registered it in my mind as a seminar, similar to events I have gone to in the past where authors do readings and talk about their writing process. While that is exactly what it was, I happened to be a wrong demographic for the event.

I got my seat about ten minutes before the event began and looked around the room. There was a small crowd, and 95% of the attendees were under the age of 16. Most of the adults in the room were there as parents to the kids in the audience. I became uncomfortable, my mind immediately casting myself in the role of the creepy guy who went alone to an event that I now understood was meant for kids.

I began texting my wife, telling her I had made a mistake and that I wanted to sneak out. I had driven a pretty good distance for the event, which helped round out my role of the creepy guy, but I decided that I could handle it for the hour.

I am glad I stuck around. Yes, the event was meant for her younger fans, but when I got past my misgivings and let myself just be there without casting myself as a role in an imaginary situation, I enjoyed myself and learned from her stories.

She talked about her first two novels that she had written, and how she had put into her will that they should be buried with her so no one has to read them. She talked about how she had written letters to publishers and gotten rejection after rejection, holding up a thick stack of papers. They were the letters and printed emails she had gotten back telling her no. She then talked about how she was grateful for each one of those rejections, because they showed her how she would get better.

I don’t often write down quotes from events, having done that for years and gotten lost in the note-taking and missing the actual event. Occasionally, I will write down a line that I found particularly poignant, and this was the one from Jennifer:

“Failing is how I finally got good enough to get my Yes.”

Jennifer Nielsen

Sometimes I get frustrated and down on myself because I start a project and don’t succeed as quickly as I wanted to.

I quit my job to pursue a slower lifestyle, and my way of making that work was going to be writing. We were going to move and set up this picturesque life in the country and it would be perfect. My writing was going to take off quickly, because I am good at it.

Four months in and I find myself stressed out about how little has happened so far. I have this blog, and I love the visitors and the readers, but it is still a small audience that I am writing to.

The book I already finished and sold was bought for such a small price that I am almost embarrassed by it.

The book I wanted to write is taking longer than I wanted.

Our move is taking longer than we wanted (and I still don’t have my chickens!)

I have been pretty hard on myself about all of this lately. I have even talked with Shannon about giving it all up and just going back to what was safe, but miserable; at least there I knew there was a steady paycheck and healthcare.

I was talking with my wife’s parents after the event, and we had all read a few of Jennifer Nielsen’s books. My father-in-law made a comment about her writing that unintentionally struck me as useful in different parts of what I am dealing with right now. His comment was that the books were so well written that when he finished one he would get mad that it wasn’t a true story.

I am good at dreaming up a life I want, a life where I am not giving into the world’s view of what my success should look like, a life where I don’t have to meet any bar of how wealthy I should be, or how much of myself I need to sell to have finally made it. In fact, I am so good at dreaming up this life that when I wake up and it is not a reality yet, I get mad. When I hit roadblocks along the way I think that I must not have what it takes to make this life a reality.

Talking this morning with Jake again, he reminded me about our circles. There is the circle of things I can control, the circle of things I can influence, and the circle of things that I can’t do anything about. The more time I spend in the circle of things I can’t do anything about, the less change I am able to make.

I can spend time in the circle of things I can influence, and that would be time well spent. I see this time as time with the people who I care about and want to be around.

Or, I can spend my time in the circle of things I can control. I may not be able to control how people respond to the content I am putting out into the world, but I can control that content. I can’t force other people to read my words, but I can control the way I write. There are so many things I can’t control, but the way I show up in relationships, the way I react to expectations placed on me, and the love that I have for myself are in my control.

I am not as patient as I want to be – patient with myself, patient with life, patient with my success.

I am going to keep going, though, because in order to get to that success, in order to reach that yes in my life, I might still have a few failures to go.